Favorite Selections from

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them. - Hippocrates

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison -- if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight. - Milton Berle

Schizophrenia beats dining alone. - Oscar Lavant

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. - Will Rogers

Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. - Gerald Ford

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men. - George Burns

It's more difficult getting up early in the morning when you're wearing silk pajamas. - Eddie Arcaro

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. - Groucho Marx

I wish she was smart enough to teach second grade, too, next year. - William Goumas - first-grade pupil

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. - Joe Ancis

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I donít deserve this, but I have arthritis, and I donít deserve that either.  - Jack Benny

The sense of humor is the oil of life's engine. Without it, the machinery creaks and groans. No lot is so hard, no aspect of things is so grim, but it relaxes before a hearty laugh.  - George S. Merriam

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. - Benjamin Franklin

Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples. - George Burns

Iím not clumsy. Itís just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way - Unknown Author

I can resist anything but temptation. - Oscar Wilde

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come. (from The Merchant of Venice) - William Shakespeare

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. - Joan Rivers

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. - E. B. White